WOW! Thanks for sharing and writing this. I could have written so much of this post myself, that's how much I can relate. It's like you read my thoughts and feelings and put them into words.
I'm trying to show up. I'm trying to find my voice. I'm trying to figure out who I am and what I want. I struggle with showing up and finding my authentic self/voice, and especially with wanting (or needing).
It’s raw, it’s real, and it’s got that gritty truth we often shy away from. You laid it all out there, the fear, the hesitation, the goddamn roller coaster bar pressing down on your chest. I know that bar too well.
I’ve spent years being my own worst enemy, fighting the demons of doubt and the fear of being truly seen. It's funny, we walk around like we’re fine, but inside, we’re just hoping someone will see us, really see us, and not run away. But the truth is, most people are too wrapped up in their own shit to even notice. So why not be a little delusional? Why not believe that everything will work out in the end, even if we don’t know the "when" or "how"? It's the only way to keep from going crazy.
You talk about training yourself to act instead of hold back, to smile at strangers and dance when the music hits you. That’s the stuff of life, man.
I'm still fighting those demons (the fear and doubt you mentioned), and I'm glad I'm not alone in that roller coaster bar feeling - although I simultaneously ache to know that anyone else would be familiar with it.
I love your note of "why not be a little delusional?",
because 1. If I'm worried about what others think of me then there's a good chance other people are worried too, right? Which means they're too preoccupied with their own problems and attempts at seeming to have their shit together to really take note of someone else.
And 2. In that period of my life, choosing to be optimistic and lean into joy was a survival strategy that somehow helped loosen my grip on needing my life to unfold in a particular way or to be someone others considered "normal".
It was pure magic and I've been attempting to work my way back to that kind of rebellious optimism as life continues to unfold in ways that leave me both overwhelmed and in awe.
I’ve felt so caged for so long. I finally made the hardest decision I think I’ve ever made. It’s such a strange feeling to feel such relief in such sorrow. The pen calls me but I can’t yet hear my voice.
Thank you for sharing this. You’ve given me a place to start. 🙏🏼
I applaud your bravery, and wish you the best in holding space for both the grief and relief.
It's odd how those can mingle while feeling paradoxical, I experienced so much of both - with a dash of guilt - when I Ieft a relationship where love had dried up (the one mentioned in the post)
It can be so hard to find our way back to ourselves when we don't see a clear path or a way out of whatever entraps us.
Let me know once you've found the words (or when they find you) - I'd love to read what you write 💗
I have not written anything on Substack yet so this resonates. Knowing that there are others who struggle with courage, self-acceptance and taking up space, helps me not feel so alone. 🙏
It can be so hard to deal with these feelings, especially when we assume we're the only ones experiencing them or don't have access to supportive people who can mirror our positive qualities back to us and affirm our belonging.
Please let me know when/if you do publish something so I can read it 💗
I'm attempting to be braver too. Thank you, this resonates with me.
I'm so glad something in my words connected with you. I wish you all the best (and self compassion) in your process of learning to be braver 💗
Thank you! You too!
WOW! Thanks for sharing and writing this. I could have written so much of this post myself, that's how much I can relate. It's like you read my thoughts and feelings and put them into words.
I'm trying to show up. I'm trying to find my voice. I'm trying to figure out who I am and what I want. I struggle with showing up and finding my authentic self/voice, and especially with wanting (or needing).
It’s raw, it’s real, and it’s got that gritty truth we often shy away from. You laid it all out there, the fear, the hesitation, the goddamn roller coaster bar pressing down on your chest. I know that bar too well.
I’ve spent years being my own worst enemy, fighting the demons of doubt and the fear of being truly seen. It's funny, we walk around like we’re fine, but inside, we’re just hoping someone will see us, really see us, and not run away. But the truth is, most people are too wrapped up in their own shit to even notice. So why not be a little delusional? Why not believe that everything will work out in the end, even if we don’t know the "when" or "how"? It's the only way to keep from going crazy.
You talk about training yourself to act instead of hold back, to smile at strangers and dance when the music hits you. That’s the stuff of life, man.
More power to you!
Mo
Thank you Mo!! 🥹
And thank you for sharing yourself with me.
I'm still fighting those demons (the fear and doubt you mentioned), and I'm glad I'm not alone in that roller coaster bar feeling - although I simultaneously ache to know that anyone else would be familiar with it.
I love your note of "why not be a little delusional?",
because 1. If I'm worried about what others think of me then there's a good chance other people are worried too, right? Which means they're too preoccupied with their own problems and attempts at seeming to have their shit together to really take note of someone else.
And 2. In that period of my life, choosing to be optimistic and lean into joy was a survival strategy that somehow helped loosen my grip on needing my life to unfold in a particular way or to be someone others considered "normal".
It was pure magic and I've been attempting to work my way back to that kind of rebellious optimism as life continues to unfold in ways that leave me both overwhelmed and in awe.
I’ve felt so caged for so long. I finally made the hardest decision I think I’ve ever made. It’s such a strange feeling to feel such relief in such sorrow. The pen calls me but I can’t yet hear my voice.
Thank you for sharing this. You’ve given me a place to start. 🙏🏼
🥹 my heart.
I applaud your bravery, and wish you the best in holding space for both the grief and relief.
It's odd how those can mingle while feeling paradoxical, I experienced so much of both - with a dash of guilt - when I Ieft a relationship where love had dried up (the one mentioned in the post)
It can be so hard to find our way back to ourselves when we don't see a clear path or a way out of whatever entraps us.
Let me know once you've found the words (or when they find you) - I'd love to read what you write 💗
Your honesty and your writing are so raw and beautiful. Thank you for sharing this. I am deeply moved. 💜
Thank you for such a kind comment 🥹💕
I have not written anything on Substack yet so this resonates. Knowing that there are others who struggle with courage, self-acceptance and taking up space, helps me not feel so alone. 🙏
I love that you feel a little less alone now. 💕
It can be so hard to deal with these feelings, especially when we assume we're the only ones experiencing them or don't have access to supportive people who can mirror our positive qualities back to us and affirm our belonging.
Please let me know when/if you do publish something so I can read it 💗