Dear little me, I love you
My journey of "inner child" healing as an (autistic) adult began with a simple letter...
I’ve noticed over time that it’s quite easy for me to become stuck in a pattern of being—responding to a narrative formed in trauma about who I am, what I’m capable of, and whether I’m worthy of the sense of safety and belonging I desire (without compromising and self editing or dismissing my needs).
Though I can really only speak to my own experiences, it appears as a common theme to me that many autistic people have had to practice scripts in order to navigate social interactions relatively unscathed, but over time the reliance on the scripts became subconscious and automated to the point that we forget that we are a thinking and feeling and diverse individuals beneath the role and series of “if/then” rules we’ve compiled and continue storing.
I think it helps to have a reminder that it’s okay to drop the scripts and roles, or at least to know you are more than your ability to perform well in order to survive the systems built without you in mind.
With that ramble, I want to share a modified version of a letter I wrote for myself when first diving into reparenting and healing my people pleasing patterns (and discovering my authentic self under decades of trauma and masking for my protection).
I wanted some form of a reminder for myself that felt more impactful than a list of arbitrary affirmations, so I began by wondering “what are all the assurances I wish someone had given me? What did I need to hear most as an (often struggling, misunderstood, and deeply lonely) undiagnosed autistic child?” and then wrote it all down.
Dear little me,
I’m so proud of you.
You’re a gift, not a burden. It’s okay to cry, and it’s okay to be afraid. It’s safe to feel the “big feelings”, and it’s okay to not have all the answers.
It’s okay to say “no”. You don’t have to help, give, or do anything you don’t want to. You don’t have to mask, pretend, perform or hide. You don’t have to do or be anything but yourself—I promise it’s enough and never too much. You are loved, just as you are right now.
You can rest and play, and question things. You can explore, become, and have anything you dream of. I admire your honesty, kindness, bravery, and endless curiosity. I’m inspired by your creativity and ability to live so fully in the moment. You’re so smart, and a good person with a beautiful heart.
You’re different, not broken. You’ve never been broken or less, and I’m sorry that you were ever made to feel or believe that you were. It’s okay to be different, and it’s safe to be yourself. You’re wonderful, and you inspire me. I want to be more like you.
You’re so precious to me, and I’ll cherish you forever. I’m here now, and I’m invested. I want to protect you, and I’m not going anywhere. Everything is going to be okay.
Yes, that internal critic can be difficult to retrain. But you are soundly on your way!
Yes, indeed Gift is the word for it, isn’t it? And I love that you capitalized it! Very fitting for what a beautiful thing it is! 🥰
I have not really started a proper Substack yet, because when I joined, I did so primarily in order to read and enjoy what my daughter writes on her Substack. So I’ve mostly just been an observer/reader. But the more I read and explore other writers’ work, I am so blessed and so impressed by so many. So I’ve begun to “like” and comment occasionally.
I have to say though, that I’ve felt a bit odd being just an observer/reader, thinking perhaps it’s rather strange to some people…”who is she?…what’s she doing on here?…why doesn’t she have any info about herself/have a proper Substack?” You know, the imposter syndrome kind of thing…or that feeling that you’ve walked into some place where you don’t belong 😑
But, I knew those were thoughts that were too skewed toward the negative, and went ahead and shared my “likes” and comments despite those thoughts, knowing that they were kind, supportive comments, and would most likely be appreciated by people, regardless of my lack of a ”proper” Substack. You’ve confirmed that 🥰
Anyhow, I share all that because l am a semi-retired mental health therapist, and just began to think yesterday that perhaps I might have some things I could write, perhaps even should write, that would be encouraging and helpful to others, from all that I’ve learned (through my education and experience, but even more so, from my clients!)
Then today I read your post, and it was so refreshing, insightful, courageous and beautiful! I love, love, love seeing the healing a person is making from fear, rejection, shame and trauma, to truth and joy and freedom!
It is so exciting, energizing, powerful!
I applaud you in all the hard, persevering work you have done!! 🙌🏼🙌🏼🙌🏼 ❤️❤️❤️
And now I’m thinking more seriously about possibly starting a “proper” Substack, just to share tools and encouragement and truth ☺️
Cheering you on in your continued journey of loving yourself 💕💕
This is really fabulous, Rowan!
What a wonderfully affirming letter to write to yourself. A beautiful gift, from you to you.
It is a wonderful thing to be an encouraging best friend to yourself! ❤️