Feeling is Healing

Learning to be present for what I'm feeling instead of avoiding what demands accountability

I wanted to write to you about “Slowing Down”, but that swiftly turned into 9k+ word document in which I still have no idea how to approach for editing.

So, I will instead share what I felt pulled to write yesterday 💜

But first, here’s a little reminder in case you need it (because I did).

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Lately, I’ve been largely just managing to stay afloat (or sane) through a torrent of “Big Feelings” - and I could blame the Super Moon in Aquarius and all things astrological, but really, it’s just just serving as a mirror and prompting me to look at the parts of myself or aspects of my life that I’d rather turn a blind eye to.

Aquarius is the sign of individuality, of intellect, objectivity, and higher vision. It’s about embodying what sets you apart and doesn’t really concern itself with fitting in, but on the other side of that lives a risk in creating distance, in being so “in the mind” or identifying so much as being a contrarian that you’re unable to connect with what you’re feeling (or relate to others).

Prefering to poke at things with a stick, I tend to keep myself a safe distance from what feels too heavy or unpredictable, I have this tendency to intellectualize and overanalyze what I’m feeling.

But that - along with my dependence on using this intellectualizing to create a sense of certainty from which I can act on - is all coming to light now.

I’ve been avoiding myself

Whether in the form of a Netflix binge, staying “busy” with unimportant things, killing 4 hrs on youtube shorts, or researching things I don’t need and didn’t intend to purchase anyways - In the time I’ve been alive, I’ve become quite proficient in the art of a distracting myself and disassociating. Yet, no matter what I use to avoid myself, the result is always the same - confusion, overwhelm, despair, spiraling, and a tiredness I can’t seem to shake no matter how much sleep I get.

When you avoid yourself and sacifice what you most want (in favor of what feels safe) for as long as I have, you forget how to be at home in your body, and you forget how to trust yourself.

So naturally, through this lack of self trust, I created a system for decision making. I overidentify with hobbies, interests, style choices, and ways of being that I fall into and obsess over, creating a sort of patchwork quilt of an identity for myself so I can say “this is what I am, and this is what I like, therefor this must be what I want”.

It’s my brain compensating for the disconnect between me and my body, my truth, desires, and authenticity. I “think” my way into being certain about something, and I use that certainty as the basis for decision-making, but the problem with that is two-fold; 1. How I define myself is always in a state of flux, as are my interests and how I see the world, 2. It’s easy for me to become stuck and insisting on staying a certain way or as a version of myself that I’ve deemed correct in order to preserve that sense of certainty, and to resist changing, which leads to staying in places, relationships, and ways of operating that are no longer condusive to my growth or wellbeing.

Another problem I’ve found with my obsession with certainty, is that having it within my grasp is always temporary, often because just as I finally feel sure about something, another experience comes along and adds to my “map” of reality, shifting how I previously understood things. Sometimes this process is exciting, sometimes it’s scary, sometimes it’s annoying, it’s always a little uncomfortable, and sometimes I feel like I’m being dragged in a new direction while kicking and screaming.

It’s why I can sometimes get stuck in a cycle of denying, suppressing, and avoiding what’s right in front of me, and THAT is why it took me 30 years to realize I’m GAY - and then finally accept it, ending a 10 year lovely yet challenging (and heavily codependent) relationship with a man, but not before I felt fairly convinced I was non-binary and went through with top surgery (a full bilateral mastectomy) - but that’s a topic for another time.

I will say that the realization that I might not have actually wanted the surgery (as well as the fear/feeling of wasted time with a relationship I wasn’t truly happy in) has sent me reeling, and has given me plenty to address in therapy. It’s been disorienting, being confronted with the ways and points in time where I didn’t listen to myself, and being forced to take responsibility for my life instead of feeling exhausted, resentful, and finding an excuse to look everywhere but in the mirror.

And…I was honestly afraid to share this, because I really don’t want to provide fuel for transphobic rhetoric, but at the same time, I realize that my truth and feelings are my own and I have no control over what someone does with the information, and choosing not to share felt…disingenuous.

I’m writing this on my phone, which I usually dislike doing, but I could sense something pushing to the surface that needed to come through me, and I didn’t want tools or process or lacking the executive function required (to handwrite, then type, then edit something) to prevent me from sharing with you what’s on my heart.

It’s interesting to me how easily the words came since I’ve actually been despairing over not having something to share for a while. I’ve been writing so much, honestly, but one way or another, I come up empty-handed when it comes to publishing.

I worried that I might lose some of you, that I might offend you for not promising consistency, for not better managing my ADHD, and for not keeping up with the standards I had even started to place on myself the moment you agreed to let my words pour straight into your inbox.

I had to remind myself, multiple times and as gently as I could manage, that my purpose for being here (on Substack) isn’t to collect subscribers.

I write to be seen. To allow myself to be exposed and to share what I learn in the ever-shifting landscape of my own mind and on the path back to myself after 30 years of trying to earn love by being anyone and anything but myself. I reminded myself that I am enough, and that I don’t need to perform, and don’t need to earn your love.

You’re here because you choose to be, for your own reasons, and I believe that’s a beautiful thing. Maybe something brought you to me, whether a higher power, the algorithm, or the generosity of others connecting to and sharing my words. In any case, I’m glad you’re here and I promise to continue being my real self with you, just as I invite you to be yourself with me. Because life is short my loves, and I for one, would rather prioritize my joy and my truth over the fear of what I think someone else thinks of me.

And if you’re like me, coming to the realization you’ve sort of been the backseat driver of your own life while the fear of standing out, not being accepted, or of being seen is steering, then I - along with the energy of this Full Moon in Aquarius - urge you to hold space for this, to be gentle and non-judgemental with it or any feelings that arise, and the parts of you that brought you to this moment. I also ask that you find the courage within yourself to break free of whatever beliefs or patterns of behavior (and ways you think you have to show up in the world) are constraining you.

The beauty of knowing what’s no longer working, is that you now have the ability to make a shift and alter your trajectory. You can listen to yourself moving forward (something I’ve committed to doing). You may need to find some way to hear yourself again, but with time and the intention of honoring your truth, that “voice” will get louder, and you won’t need the interference of the mind to make sense of things or to justify. You just feel that something is or isn’t right for you, and you trust yourself enough to know that what you’re feeling isn’t false or just your fear speaking, and you act on it.

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How do you repair a fractured mind?

At the end of the day, after many moments of crying deeply, washing my face, and then crying some more while staring at the trees in my backyard and contemplating what life holds for me as a disabled and autistic lesbian starting over in their 30s, an answer came to/through me in response to what I wrote in my journal that morning.

From my journal:

How do you repair a fractured mind? How do you create wholeness or cohesion between so many scattered parts of “self”? So many versions all thinking, feeling, and believing different things? How do you stitch back together what became separate or suppressed in order to ensure your survival?

The answer:

Complete and total acceptance of yourself, your body, and your past experiences. Many of the voices in your mind clammering for your attention, attempting to steer you, and making it hard to clearly see a correct course of action are not actually core pieces of your identity. They are the versions of you that became stuck in time at the point of wounding, or a traumatic, unfair, and painful experience. They are the parts of you tht are still resisting and in denial of what happened then, which keeps you trapped partway in the past, feeling “fractured”, unable to move forward or make room for new versions of yourself to emerge, and unable to trust yourself to make decisions and really know what you want. These stuck parts are the reason the pain of the past is becoming projected as a fear of the future, but they serve a purpose. They are protecting you from the unknown, and attempting through that to prevent what happened to them from repeating for you now. However, the problem isn’t their presence within you - it’s you handing them the reins to your life. Listen to what they’re saying, really sit with and honor them, listen to the story they are each telling about their pain and what they believe that experience means about you or your lovability and worthiness of safety or good things. Feel into where they live in your body - are they the tension in your stomach? A metal bar pressed against your chest? A rope around your neck? See if you can locate within you the story of “It’s not safe to…”. Breathe and be with them, not meeting them with judgement, blame, or even annoyance. Be the calm in the chaos - a loving, tender, and stable presence that these parts (these past versions of you) clearly needed. Then thank them for taking the time to get your attention, for communicating your needs to you, and thank your body for telling you where you still need healing and releasing. You can tell yourself (speaking softly to these parts) “It’s okay now, I’m here, and I’ll take care of us. I believe in our potential for a beautiful life. I believe in our capacity for allowing and enjoying good things as well as handling any challenges that we may face. I can’t promise you that everything will be okay, or that you’ll feel better soon, but I can promise to do my best to make the most of each moment we are alive from this point forward. I promise to do what I can to honor what you’ve revealed to me by giving myself the stability, emotional safety, care, and nurturing that I now know I have always been worthy of.”

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Whether you’re growing, healing, or just dealing however you can with the unpredictable nature of existence, I wish you safety, I wish you tenderness, I wish you the felt experience of knowing you’re loved and belong here.

Thank you for being here with me.

Xoxo, 🌿Rowan

PS: I took myself on a little walk for my mental health today and brought my kitty with me. Here’s a picture of my derpy princess eating some grass to brighten your day.

I wish us all the experience of simple joy that I can only assume she feels by being a cat, eating grass, on a sunny day 🫶