While I've been away (part 1)

I've been focused on finding joy and managing the impacts of burnout instead of publishing on Substack

💌 Hello my friend,

Instead of continuing to procrastinate (or waiting for the interest in editing what I’ve written to stop eluding me), I want to share with you what I’ve been doing while I’ve been away.

Space from things has a way of sneaking up on me…

I’ve learned that I need to let things “breathe” - activities, food interests, people - I tend to fixate on something in an intense haze of enthusiasm, but '“too much of a good thing” for me means that I risk burning out and my brain forcing me to back off (often unexpectedly and for much longer than I’d like) if I don’t take a break to experience something else.

It’s something I’ve known about myself for a long time, but for whatever reason isn’t something I’ve attempted to accomodate myself with or set systems around… my default response cycle being one of forcing myself to show up anyway, becoming increasingly annoyed at the comical pile-up of errors and cognitive processing issues, which inevitably exacerbates the unwanted effects.

So I’ve been trying something a bit less aggressive, and a bit less shame driven. One new-to-me method of managing burnout is the process of allowing myself to step away and slow down instead of force things.

I can hear my mother’s voice in my head so clearly “set it down and walk away!” - something she’d say frequently to me as a child when my frustration at something not going the way I wanted (whether learning a new craft medium or a boss battle in a videogame) became too loud for her to tolerate or ignore.

However, this “decision” to step away would fall apart in an instant without having the experience of practicing “non-attachment”, something I’ve come to understand as a release of investment in either achieving a desired outcome or avoiding an undesired consequence.

In this instance, my desired outcome is to have my writing mean something, have an impact, create a ripple in a positive way (the problem is more with my expectation of that looking a certain way and put too much pressure on myself to “get it right”), and my undesired consequence is the risk of being misunderstood for being different, contrarian, or provocative (something I’ve experienced enough times in life to shape my personallity around avoiding it - aka people pleasing).

I’m no longer avoiding writing from this space of pressure, fear, and burnout. I’m honoring my desire to write and ensuring I’ll eventually regain interest, by taking space from it to identify what’s driving my current approach - the one that’s preventing me from just sharing what I feel inspired to.

In order to reconnect to the joy of writing - and to the the process of showing up in a way that feels exciting to me as well as sustainable - means learning to let myself and what I choose to share be perceived without needing to be anything special or more than I am, and without anticipating needs or being careful to not offend and upseting someone. (More on this in my next letter)

So, while I’ve been releasing the pressure to show up and present myself a certain way, here are some ways I’ve been filling my life with joy and purpose - outside of writing:

• Experimenting with gluten free baking to honor both my joy and MCAS dietary needs

  

• Finding ways to prep and cook food that accounts for my neurospicy brain and disabled body (from brain fog to fatigue and fainting spells) - and trying to manage impulse spending on UberEats.

• Crocheting hats the way my grandmother taught me - first for the woman who almost became my in-law when I found out she was diagnosed with breast cancer and might need radiation treatment, then for friends. I plan to make more to donate as part of an intention use up my entire stash of synthetic yarn by the end of this year (some of which I’ve had for 20 years) before I allow myself to begin investing locally in organic fibers.

• Learning to handspin wool into workable yarn (okay, so I already impulsively bought 10lbs of wool roving on Etsy…but that was before I set the intention in the note above)

  • Here is where I bought the wool roving https://www.etsy.com/listing/1610799975/wool-pillow-stuffing-wool-roving-stuff?ref=yr_purchases

  • And here is where I bought the drop spindle https://www.etsy.com/listing/715671015/snyder-gear-spindles-in-various-sizes?ref=yr_purchases

  

• Replacing all the buttons on my flannel shirts with snaps so I can layer up more easily without my knuckes trying to migrate (I have hypermobile Ehlers-Danlos syndrome - a connective tissue disorder that makes my bones wander and body tired af)

• Drawing my favorite part of each day - as a low-entry way to reconnect to my love of drawing while also training my brain to find joy in the little things (images will be shared in a different letter)

• Learning to use my Nikon 5300 instead of my smartphone to preserve what stands out to me …. I don’t have photos of me taking photos…too focused on taking photos of other things. (I’ll be sharing my process of decentralizing my smartphone in another letter soon)

• Adventure walks (prior to bird-flu spread) and cuddling in a sunny window with my kitty companion of 11 years - making the most of the time I have with her before the stage 4 kidney failure takes her to the rainbow bridge.

I hope you know it’s okay to step away, it’s okay to take breaks from things, and it’s okay to rest - we are all worthy of that.

And who knows, maybe the solutions you missed while you were “busy”, or the clarity and motivation you felt was lacking, will come to you once you’ve taken the time to tend to yourself instead. (At least that’s what I keep telling myself)

As always, thanks for being here 🌈

XO 🌿Rowan